Exactly What I Needed, Right When I Needed It – Interlude
Up until now the story has been easy (easier at least).
Now comes the hard(er) part.
The story is all there, it’s already been written, it happened.
The events transpired as they did. And I had the experiences that I had.
So why is this part more difficult?
Well up until now I didn’t have to open up much.
I opened up a bit. But much has been simple events, poetic musings, and sociopolitical views.
It hasn’t required me to dig deeper and show a more personal side to the story.
But that time is over.
Now I have to dig deeper, reveal more, express.
That’s where we are.
Here, knowing what to write, but still afraid.
“So what is it that you’re afraid of?” you may wonder.
Well let me put it in the context of what’s coming…
An Island Endeavour
In this chapter I will have to admit my beliefs on some subjects which go in against what is popular belief, in the wider world, but here as well, at home, among people I hold dear.
We live in a materially focused world, and I don’t just mean materialistic.
I mean our society has a tendency for materialism, the pursuit and acquirement of material objects in the pursuit of displaying higher socioeconomic class. And as you may have noticed, I take issue with this.
But what I’m really talking about here is material itself. Matter. The stuff we perceive in the world around us.
The three dimensional world. That which we see with our eyes.
“What the eff are you going on about?” you may interject.
Well, to put it briefly, what we as humans “see” is really only a very small aspect of what is actually going on.
What our eyes perceive is a very small bandwidth of energy, what we call the visible light spectrum.
What our eyes do not perceive is every other frequency: ultraviolet, infrared, x-rays, gamma rays, microwaves, radio waves, and so on.
We know that these things exist, we have found evidence of them, but we don’t perceive them in our everyday awareness. We don’t “see” them.
Just as we don’t hear frequencies below 20 Hz and greater than 20,000 Hz. Yet we know there are higher frequencies, just think of a dog whistle, we don’t hear it, but dogs sure do.
So what’s the point?
The point is to highlight that our day-to-day perceptions are not the totally of the experience.
The experience of the present moment.
Now bear with me here for just a moment.
Humans have ears for “hearing” sound frequencies from 20 – 20,000 Hz.
And humans have eyes for “seeing” light frequencies from 430 – 790 THz.
What if humans had an organ for “perceiving” other frequencies as well?
It’s hard to describe it because it’s not quite seeing, not quite hearing. It’s something more akin to “knowing.” More like “feeling.” More like “experiencing.”
If you haven’t felt it, it can be hard to understand, hard to wrap your mind around it.
But I assure you, it is there.
But without use it becomes weak, it atrophies.
Sometimes things come through, sometimes things pass over.
But with time and effort I believe we can reconnect with that.
We can experience more of what is happening in the world around us.
A more full experience of the present moment.
And that is where I am.
Trying to reconnect with what can be difficult to perceive.
That which lies beyond the veil.
And as these next chapters will show,
I am making progress.
A Grown Man Cries
This is where it get tough, really tough.
For the first 27 years of my life I have been closed off.
I wore my armour.
I didn’t let people see inside.
Well ultimately it’s fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being vulnerable.
If I never give of myself to others, others can never hurt me.
It’s a flawless plan.
Or so I thought…
I eventually came to realize something,
that by guarding myself against pain, I was also armouring myself against everything, like love.
I was dying inside.
My heart was slowly atrophying.
My soul was withering, slowly dying of starvation.
But then a series of events occurred which changed my perspective.
These seemingly unrelated events occurred over the course of several years.
Sometimes in bursts.
A series of floods and droughts.
I started pulling off my armour. Piece by piece. Slowly at first. Sharing small bits of myself with the world around me.
It is a long road.
I was unused to the feelings. It had been so long since I felt like that.
Sometimes events would occur that would cause me to retract, to put back on pieces of my armour.
The sudden pain of exposing myself was shocking and difficult to bear.
But I kept at it.
And here I am.
Not totally open, but far more so than ever before.
This writing is part of that journey.
The journey to be who I was meant to be.
So this is another step in that journey, a removing of armour, a revealing of self.
It has required, and will require, a more open expression of who I really am.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
But as long as I move past my fear, I will have moved forward.
A step in the right direction.
So this is where the story is at.
Temporarily frozen by fear.
But now thawing, opening, and growing.
Time to move forward.
Time for the next chapter.
And thank you for being a part of this journey.