It has recently been brought to my attention that people in my life (who I adore and appreciate) do not understand the change that is occurring in my life. There is a misconception.
I’ve had several people say they are worried about me (Thank you, I greatly appreciate your concern). At first I couldn’t understand why. But then I removed myself from my perception of events, and looked at it through their eyes. I begin to understand. I mean look at my life. I’ve recently been without a stable home, my car broke down, I don’t have a girlfriend. I recently lost my job, and I’ve been acting very strangely (being a relative term of course). Yet despite these things I may be the most happy I’ve ever been.
I’ve realized that several key misconceptions are circulating:
1) I’m depressed, 2) I’m gay, 3) I’m crazy.
I’d like to take a look at each of these;
1) Depression – This one I had a tough time wrapping my head around. I mean I feel fantastic (at least most days), why would I be depressed?
But then I realized what others see when looking at me; homeless (I’m never homeless as long as I have friends), jobless (hated the job, loved the people = keep the people, ditch the job), lonely (we should be comfortable being alone – In fact our favorite person should be ourselves, we’re awesome), sexually frustrated (I’m trying to explore meaningful sexual relations, not just self-gratification), pessimistic (the current world order is shit, but maybe we can fix it – sounds like optimism to me), and I’ve got long hair and a beard (1st sign of depression – Facial hair. It’s science) (I grow it because I can, and because many beard-loving people simply cannot, it’s really a selfless act :)) When looked at that way who wouldn’t be depressed. And people always give their shit away before they kill themselves.
Well rest assured I won’t be eating a handful of Tylenol and chasing it with a bottle of Jack Daniels any time soon, or ever for that matter (unless I got a Really bad headache :)) I did the depression thing in high school and I’m over the whole angsty teenager thing (it’s not as much fun as it seems). In fact now I want nothing more than to live, really live. Live every fucking moment because that’s all life is, a series of moments, and they are all so beautiful (even the shitty ones are beautiful in their own way).
2) Homosexuality – If we take “gay” to mean happy than I’m pretty effing gay. If we take “gay” to mean “man who likes penises” well not so much (I’ve only seen one penis that I love, and it happens to be attached to my body).
This one kinda makes sense.
I mean lately I’ve been using words like cute, adorable, lovely, and beautiful. Sounds pretty gay to me. Real men only have 2 adjectives; good and bad.
I also have gay friends, and what could we possibly have in common other than being attracted to the same sex? What would we talk about? Music, art, politics, life, movies, the weather, our favorite colour, quantum string theory? All sounds suspiciously like secret gay lingo for dongs.
I’ve started to hug people, including members of the same sex (egads!). When was it decided that hugs were a sexual form of expressing affection? We hug our families don’t we (incest). Our pets (beastiality). Ourselves (masturbation). Sometimes trees (flora-erotic asphyxiation). Kids hug everyone (sluts). Get over it and give someone a hug, you’ll feel way better (pervert).
I don’t try and sleep with every woman I see (anymore :)). I’m under some illusion that a woman might have something to offer me that doesn’t rest between her legs, or have a nipple attached (madness!). I mean the only time men and women should be communicating is for the purpose of gettin down and dirty (and that should only be done for the purpose of procreation, right).
So rest assured my friends I enjoy banging bitches as much as the next guy. (Hmm.. could that be construed as offensive? I see a PR nightmare here) I mean screwing broads (no). Pokin the pie (nope). Play hide the salami with a hot honey (nope, and stupid). Chasing tail (iffy). Having intercourse with a human being who happens to be attached to a vagina (perfect! PR crises averted).
3) Insanity – If ever before a court of law under risk of conviction I will deny all of the following and plead insanity. Until such time…
There was once a time in my life when I thought I had things pretty well figured out. The sky was blue, grass was green, and matter and energy were two very different things.
I also had a very accurate way of defining sanity:
People fell into 2 different and distinct categories; sane and crazy (with crazy being subdivided into levels such as; bat-shit crazy, crazy as balls, totally wacked-the-hell-out, and a little weird). At this time it was very easy to differentiate the 2, I had a systematic way of defining they’re attributes:
Sane – Hard-working American types
Crazy – Everyone else (including but not limited to; commies, liberals, hippies, queers, fornicators, masturbators, little-people, non-whites, heathens, the entire west coast, people with mis-matched eyes, artists, traitors, most of europe, people who wore bright colours, new-age thinkers, people who wear boxer-briefs, people who go commando, athletes, math-letes, people who put ketchup on their kraft dinner, people who put cheese-wiz on anything, women with an opinion on anything other than house-work, poor people, rich people, and basically anyone who did not agree with my world view)
It was a simple, easy, and thorough system. Flawless.
But then something happened… I can’t quite describe it, it was something that had never happened to me before, unfamiliar ground, a path I had never walked, a place I had never been… it was crazy…
I became open-minded (oh the humanity!)
I can’t really say exactly when it happened. I can see events that sped along the process (Katimavik, travel, college, a random night at the bar, a stimulating conversation with a friend). But it was a gradual process of spurts and stops, and an occasional step backwards. But it happened, and now I can’t go back to the old days of black and white.
Now when someone tells me something that doesn’t fit neatly into my world view I don’t just shut them out and continue on my path of ignorance, I listen. That doesn’t mean I believe everything I’m told, I think critically (something we’re not trained to do). I ask myself; Why do they believe this? Is there something legitimate in what they’re saying? If part is wrong does that negate the whole? Or is there a grain of truth in all things?
Now when someone tells me that matter is in fact energy. And we as energetic being can influence the energies around us. I don’t say, “shut your filthy pie-hole.” I say, “please go on.”
And when they say that existence is far more than what I see with my eyes, hear with my ears, and smell with my nose, I say, “you might be on to something there.”
And they say that when you trust you instincts they will guide you, I say, “let me give that a try.”
They say love yourself and others, see the good in all people, give love and you will receive love. I say “you know that sounds pretty good to me,”
They say you can affect change in the world, you are not powerless, you have more strength than you know. I say “I believe.”
And they say, “You are not alone.”
And I say, “I know.”